


Relationship Advice for the Damned

by Not_Your_Deers



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: BAMF May Parker (Spider-Man), BAMF Michelle Jones, F/M, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-30
Updated: 2019-05-28
Packaged: 2020-02-10 03:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18652078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not_Your_Deers/pseuds/Not_Your_Deers
Summary: Peter Parker gets a Health Assignment: He has to interview the adults in his life about their relationships. Unfortunately for Peter, that means the Avengers.aka Peter hates Health Class and sucks at feelings





	1. Welcome to Hell

Peter hated Health class, but it was a required class at Midtown High, and he really didn’t want to waste his Senior Year in a Health class. Luckily, Flash seemed to have been less logical about his decision making, and so Peter got almost an hour of blissful freedom. 

Today, that freedom was spent learning about “Healthy Relationships” and, frankly, Peter was close to feigning sickness. Instead, he stared at MJ across the room while trying to tell himself it wasn’t creepy. Not at all creepy.

His head spun back towards the front of the room as he heard the word “Homework”. Perhaps the only time the Health teacher, Mrs Jacobs, received anyone’s full attention was when she told them about the homework.

“Tonight’s homework, due Tuesday the 30th, is to interview adults in your life about their relationships, and what makes them successful. The more viewpoints, the better. And make sure to connect it to your own personal life!” she said with a smile. Peter liked Mrs Jacobs, he really did, but hated her a little for this assignment. The only large group of adults he knew were the Avengers. How was he gonna write about them?

Peter planned his assignment in a corner of his mind through the next two periods. By the time lunch came, he still had no idea what he was going to do. So, he asked MJ. That was always the solution when you didn’t have an answer.

“Hey, MJ?” he asked, continuing when she nodded, “I’m not sure what to do about that Health project.”

She laughed, immediately realising his problem.

“Guess you can’t really write an essay about Tony Stark’s love life, huh, Peter?” she asked.  
He grinned, barely hiding his happiness, both at her understanding, and at her recent switch from “Loser” to “Peter”. 

“... codenames?” Peter heard suddenly, and he realised she’d been talking the entire time. Luckily, he’d heard enough to figure out what she was saying. He nodded, smiling even wider. It was possible, Peter thought, that MJ really did know all.

He sketched out his plans during their work time during Chemistry. He knew exactly what he was going to do - who he was going to ask and how he was going to ask them.

Unfortunately, Peter had Academic Decathlon after school that Tuesday, and so he had to suffer an hour of Flash’s taunting before he could go home.

“Hey - hey - Parker, how’s the internship?” he asked.

Peter didn’t dignify Flash with a response. He was too tired for this. MJ decided to answer instead.

“Back off, Eugene,” she said, voice sickly sweet in a way he and Ned knew meant trouble. Flash seemed to get the message (there were things even he wasn’t too oblivious to miss), and retreated to his friends. 

As he did so, however, Peter overheard something he whispered to his closest henchman, Jack.

“She’s hot. Bet you I could make her kiss me. One way or another.”

Evidently, Ned had heard this too, as he grabbed Peter’s arm, shaking his head with a frown. He was clearly angry, but considering Flash’s temper, and how sick Mr Harrington was of Peter’s behaviour, he knew it was best to back down. For once, Peter Benjamin Parker listened to his best friend.

He shook his head, and glanced apologetically at MJ. She half-smiled back. He couldn’t help but blush a little.

The rest of the meeting passed like normal. Which is to say that Flash was a jerk, Ned was ridiculously over enthusiastic, Peter was too smart to be human, and MJ hated everything.

He got home, and found Aunt May, holding what appeared to be a freshly made dinner for them both.

“Y-You can’t cook, how…?” Peter asked, greatly confused.

“Mr Barnes dropped off. He said he’d made too much, but I’m guessing he just wanted to save you from another night of reheated take out,” she answered with a laugh, plating up their meal.

As they ate, Peter cautiously broached the topic of his health assignment.

“Aunt May?” he started.  
“Yes, Pete?”  
“I got a big assignment in Health today.”  
“Ugh, really? What is it?” Despite her snarky words, she was grinning.  
“I have to interview people who are in a relationship.”  
“Currently, I’m guessing?”  
He nodded.  
“So Tony?” The look in her eyes said she knew his answer already.  
He shook his head.  
“No, I was thinking I’d ask Clint and Wanda.”  
She smiled at that, immediately understanding his reasoning.

No matter how much he loved Mr Stark and the other Avengers, they never understood Peter quite as well as Aunt May did. 

As he drifted to sleep that night, Peter Parker thought of magic, and love. He dreamt about them too.


	2. Clint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter locates and interviews his first target - Clint.

Peter finally located his first target, Clint, on Wednesday afternoon, at 5:07pm exactly. He knew the time to the minute because Natasha told Clint he had to be in the Penthouse by 5:00 and Clint had, for some reason, decided that seven minutes was the “fashionably late” time frame.

He never had understood Clint Barton.

“Hey, Clint?” he asked nervously.

Clint, looked at him, eyebrow raised. He noticed Peter’s hesitation immediately, but decided not to call him out on it.

“Yeah, Kiddo?” Clint responded.

“I need to interview you for an assignment.”

At this, Clint looked genuinely shocked (which was strange, as he was normally the most weird of the Avengers team). People rarely looked to him for advice. Even Peter, who tried to include everyone.

He nodded enthusiastically.

“What do you want me to talk about?” he prompted, after almost a minute of silence from Peter.

“Oh. Right. Can you tell me - uh…” he consulted one of the papers in his hand, “About you and Mrs Laura and what makes your relationship successful?”

Peter looked deeply uncomfortable as he spoke. Clint smirked.

“Well… maybe ten years ago,” he started, then paused.

“I think it was ten? Not quite sure… anyway, about ten years ago, I met Laura. I’m not sure what to say, really, we just got along really well. We fought a lot, in the beginning, and I kept a lot of secrets (as you’d expect with a job like mine), but we always trusted each other, and made up after fights. We got married within two years, and had Cooper just after. We’re still going strong.”

“Ok. Thanks,” Peter said, scribbling frantically. Why was he talking so fast?

“So… I guess it’s that that made us work so well. We never let arguments get to us, and - eventually - we talked about things. Communication, and all that. What’s the point of this assignment, anyways?”

Peter wrote all this down, before realising the final question was addressed to him, and erasing. He thought for a moment before answering.

“I suppose it’s about learning from your elders…? Maybe?” he shrugged.

Clint nodded, though he still clearly thought this was pointless.

“Oh - thanks Clint! This is probably going to be the easiest interview I have to do.”

“Yeah, kid, this is gonna be rough. Good luck!”

With that, Peter left to find Wanda. And Clint climbed onto the back of the sofa. For some reason.


	3. Wanda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When Peter finds Wanda he gets her advice on her relationship. It isn't what he was expecting

As Peter looked around for Wanda, he started wondering who else he could even ask (because let’s be honest how many of the avengers were in relationships?). He could only think of four - Clint and Laura, Stephen and Christine, Vision and Wanda, and Pepper and Tony. Then he started to think about all of the secret rendezvous he has heard Bruce having, thinking that was completely ludicrous. He put that out his mind and continued to find Wanda.

Finally finding Wanda, he approached her.

“Wanda, I have a question for you. Would you be opposed to answering a couple of questions about your relationship with Vision? I was stuck with this project for health about the healthy relationships in my life, and I could only think of four. You two were one of them.” Peter was rambling, clearly looking uncomfortable with this situation.

Wanda smiled at this and nodded in agreement.

 “No problem, Peter. What do you want to know?”

 “Well, when did you first meet Vision, and did your opinion of him change after you got to know him?”

 “Well I meet Vision when Ultron was going to build himself the perfect body. I looked in his head and saw mass destruction and Ultron wanting to evolve the human race. Than later after the avengers had shown up Pietro and myself went to the avengers asking them to destroy the body of course your dad had other plans which I saw when I looked into his mind than Thor came and brought him to life. The second time I looked into his mind i saw a plan for peace not death and destruction. After the battle in Sokovia and my brother died he was there for me and we slowly became closer until I realized I was falling for him and i guess the rest in history. All I know is that i love him and he loves me and that is all that matters. Anything else Peter?”

 “When did you realize that you didn’t ever want to leave Vision?”

 "I guess that would have been when I realized that he would never do anything to purposely make me mad. Yeah I mean he does annoy me with the phasing through the walls into my room but every relationship will have things that drive each other crazy it is completely normal part of loving someone.”

“Wow Wanda that is very deep. This there anything you would like to add to this? Just to let you know I am changing everybody’s names because it might raise a bunch or unwanted attention or I might get an f because of falsification or whatnot so I am changing names.”

“When you find the person who makes you feel like everything is perfect all of the time I would suggest never letting them go. When it comes to success a relationship takes patience and consideration for the person you are with. You just have to be understanding and if something is bothering you talk to them and make sure the message doesn't get lost somewhere along the way.” 

With that Wanda skipped down the hall leaving Peter with the oddest interview he thought he was going to have to do and he still has to interview Vision, Stephen, Tony and Pepper whatever else could go wrong maybe he would ask Bruce about his secret lady when he got more information about that situation. As he thought about his uncle Bruce had become a lot more private as of late and Peter decided then and there that no matter what while doing this crazy assignment he was going to get to the bottom of this mystery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The writing style here is a little different b/c we're sharing this work between two people! 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Comments are appreciated.


	4. Vision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Advice from a different point of view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is Vision's advice for Peter. It goes as well as can be expected.

After hearing Wanda’s side of the story, Peter decided to change up his plans a little, and go hear Vision’s thoughts on their relationship. Dating and romance must seem quite different from a robot’s point of view.

It was only after his scientific curiosity had led him to make this decision that he realised Vision also probably had little understanding of what was normal to share in a situation like this. However, it was probably too late to change now, so he just crossed his fingers and hoped for the best.  

Peter finally found Vision. He kept thinking about what Wanda had said.

"Hey Vision I was given an assignment for my health class. I have to interview all of the adults in my life about their relationships and I knew you and Wanda are in one. Would you mind answering a few questions?"

"Of course Mr. Parker. What would you like to know?"

"Well what is it like being in love?"

"I wouldn't exactly say it could be described like the common definition of love. It isn't super intense like most people think it is. There aren't flames or sparks. We care about each other. Yes we fight like anybody would in our situation. We respect each other. That is the biggest point in our relationship. If you don't respect the person you are with then why in the bloody world are you even with them in the first place?"

"Respect. I see." I was writing everything he had said down when a question. "Wanda was talking about communication. How do you view the  communication between the two of you?"

"Well I do seem to have a hard time respecting her boundaries. I will sometimes phase into her room unintentionally thinking that she wants to see me. She would really prefer that I learn how to use the door and knock. This leads to arguments about using my abilities. After talking about we came to an agreement that works for the both of us."

"Wow, okay. Do you have any other advice or commentary on your relationship with Aunt Wanda?"

"Keep the respect between each other and don't push to much. Keep the boundaries without them the relationship won't be successful."

"Okay thanks Vision. I am off to go do more interviews. See you later." Peter kept thinking about what everyone was saying in all of these interviews. Trust and communication seem to be the two biggest factors to any successful relationship. Peter scribbled down that realization. Vision phase through the wall of the common room into the kitchen to go  _ "help"  _ with whoever was making dinner. Peter put his notebook on his desk and went to go hangout with the rest of his dysfunctional family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter has taken so long to post. That would be because Slytherin got major writer's block and could not think of more then the first two chapters.  
> When she gave it to me it was the week of finals, by the time I was able to write I was on a camping trip without my computer so there was no way I could post it. Sorry it is so short and sorry if it sucks but it had truly been a long while since this had been updated and I wanted to give you something to read. The next chapter should be longer.
> 
> The Gryffindor ❤

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are appreciated! We'll try to update weekly at a minimum, but don't have a specific schedule.


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